Life Changing Practices, Part 3
Live on the Border
The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, shared that “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters”. My favorite therapist suggested that I let all things happen, as in, you don’t need to respond and act upon every situation. If it might all be a simulation, then just watch the hologram and chill out for a moment.
Something that has helped me navigate life is my propensity for existing at the intersection of issues, identities, cultures, and nations. In reverse order, I was born on the border of Texas and Mexico. Spanish was my first language, by accident. I had babysitters and peers who spoke Spanish and I happened to pick it up and learn it right alongside English. Somewhere between access to the language and proximity to the border, my empathy and compassion for Mexican people was indelibly etched in my heart.
My love for German culture came after my military father was stationed in Bavaria for four years. I was fortunate to attend two German schools, among the best in the world, while I was overseas. Proximity to culture gave me an appreciation for travel, Europe, cultural nuance, history, and place like nothing else could have at such a formative stage in my life. It’s no wonder that I made a 20+ year career in diversity, equity and inclusion. By age 12 I had visited more than a dozen countries, was multilingual, and had a deep connection to people of the world. I was, in fact, a global citizen. I’ve since been to six continents and am about to launch my first international wellness destination retreat. That’s a link to the input survey and sign up for the mailing list.
Identity has been the journey of a lifetime for me. I’ve always felt like I was on the border, never fitting squarely here or there. I identified as bisexual before I had access to the language of pansexuality. And bi never really felt right but I felt the need to use a label so people understood I was neither lesbian nor heterosexual. Both of those are fine, they just were not in alignment with my truth. Back in the 90s, bisexuals caught a lot of lack for being ‘greedy’ or ‘indecisive’ even within the homosexual community.
The LGBT(QIA was added later) acronym was an important step toward recognizing bisexual people as valid and equal members of the queer community. Labels are tricky. They do not work for everyone. Many people dislike the term queer. I use it because queer feels more accessible to my flavor of existence. All this to say that I’ve spent years being too straight to fit in with queers, too queer to fit in with heteros, too Black for white people and too white for Black folks. Fortunately, we’ve come a long way since the 90s and Dr. Kimberlè Crenshaw’s introduction of intersectionality gave credence to the broad spectrum of identities that can exist within one divine human being.
My intersection of identities and access to global cultures has made it easy for me to see all sides of various issues and how reasonable human beings might arrive at seemingly inexplicable opinions. I do not have to agree with people’s opinions to understand them or why they believe them. I also do not have to support or excuse harmful opinions. Nor am I compelled to always engage, opine, argue, or otherwise spend my precious energy on those who will not be moved. Nonetheless, the ability to witness without judgement whilst preserving my own peace is a skill I would wish on everyone, especially now.
As we stand on the precipice of great change, I am acutely aware that the divisions between us. The xenophobia born of ignorance and fear, and the lack of access to and empathy for our own neighbors, much less the people of the world, places us all at great peril of self-destruction. My advice for all of us is to locate and live at the proverbial borders. Nothing is inherently wrong with holding you own beliefs and ideals. But the minute your beliefs cast judgment and lead to the pain, oppression, and infringement of the human rights of others, it’s time to reconsider.
Feel free to live your life and think what you think. But be cautious when casting judgement and supporting harming people, most of whom you do not know personally and never will. Everyone contains a spark of the Divine, whatever your beliefs. We are all deeply sacred and worthy of life and love. So focus on living your best life and suspending judgement of those whom you do not understand. If you must extend your energies into the fields of strangers, do so only in love and peace.
If you wish to serve humanity by offering your talent, resources, time, and privilege in service of collective liberation, by all means, do so. Countless philosophical systems, faiths, religions, and universal laws make it quite clear that what you put out into the world is precisely what returns to you. If you wish to hate and disagree, you’d best do so silently and avoid the inevitable karmic retribution of a highly reliable universe that will always show you precisely what you have shown others. Instead, stand at the border and observe.
Identify the nexus point where your beliefs intersect, or diverge with others’. Consider your beliefs and theirs, then let them be. Beauty exists because of diversity. If we only had one type and color of flower to behold, flowers wouldn’t be as captivating. If we only had one gender, one race, and one personality type consistent across all of humanity, that would be a monotonous, hegemonic, bore. Innovation would cease. Creativity and art would not flourish absent a diversity of ideas, experiences, and perspectives to birth them.
The mere fact that we can hold differing views, cultures, languages, tastes, etc. is a miracle in itself. Consider beginning with the places where we agree and build from there. I expanded on this idea in my very first book, Overcoming Bias: Building Authentic Relationships Across Differences. That book launched in November 2016, when the United States was instantly polarized by the election of a President who may become the first to lose re-election and still take a second term. I write this on January 18, 2025, and anything can happen in 48 hours.
So if these bizarre and unsettling times have your anxiety on 1000, I invite you to take some deep breaths and remember who you are. Remember what is real and true for you. You are allowed to watch and witness without getting pulled into the maelstrom. The most important thing you can do now is take very good care of yourself and the people you care about. Find your peace. Mind your business. Stay moisturized and hydrated. And when you find yourself being pulled into the quagmire of self-righteousness and superiority, pull back. Stand on the border and look around. More than one thing can be true at the same time and everyone has the right to exist and to believe what they choose. Let them be.
Again, if you must intervene, do so in love and support. Help the people who are suffering. Do not add to anyone else’s suffering. Because inevitably, the tables will turn (everything is cyclical) and you would want kindness, not cruelty. We really do reap what we sow, as cliche as it might sound. If you stand at the border of what you consider right versus wrong, good versus evil, my way or the highway—you might just learn something new. Just stand there and observe. Try to understand instead of insisting on persuading everyone to agree with you. We all have more to learn in this lifetime, and it is through each other that we can grow. We are each other’s teachers. If we are not here to love each other, and to learn and grow, what then why are we even here?
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