Introducing Émisexuality
An Orientation Elevating Sex as Sacred Ritual
The alignment of sexual energy with spirituality, is widely known as Sacred Sexuality. Systems like Tantra and Taoism, include sexuality as an integral aspect of spiritual development. My personal quest towards understanding my own sexual orientation as the lexicon expands over time, has led me through bisexuality, pansexuality, sapiosexuality, demisexuality, and graysexuality. I recently settled on an orientation seemingly absent from our cultural lexicon: Sexuality centered on Divinity.
Nearly five decades into life, I am now only interested in sexual interactions that I deem sacred. I have been married, but am no longer and do not wish to ever remarry. Some people are able to experience sacred sex in marriage, and that is beautiful. As a single, solo-ENM person, (until and unless I find another soul mate) my sexual partner(s) must have an established relationship with Spirit and experience sex both as a deeply sacred act, and as an energetic extension of their own devotional practice. Unable to identify an existing name for such and orientation, I offer Émisexuality if for no one other than myself.
Émisexuality
Émisexuality is a sacred sexual orientation in which a person experiences sexual attraction only within contexts imbued with spiritual meaning. This attraction arises in the presence of the explicit or implicit sanctity of the sex act and/or the relationship. It may involve spiritual practices such as ritual, prayer, body worship, intention-setting, invocation of deities, magic, dance, music, Tantra, or other forms of embodied reverence and sacred acknowledgement.
The term draws from the Yoruba word émi (pronounced eh-mee), meaning spirit, soul, or breath of life. Yoruba is an Indigenous West African culture, language, and cosmology, originating in present-day Nigeria, Benin, and Togo. The choice of a Yoruba root honors ancestral lineage and centers African epistemologies without defaulting to European or Latin etymologies—an intentional act of linguistic and cultural sovereignty.
I must acknowledge the echo of the word émisexuality in demisexuality. The latter presupposes an emotional connection and the former a spiritual connection. Those might feel similar to some people and there might also be substantial overlap. I find that delightful! So I felt spiritually led to select the Yoruba root word knowing that it would evoke the similarity and occupy a meaningful place in the ongoing conversation about sexual orientation. No, it is not a coincidence that they sound similar. That was an intentional choice and a gift of Spirit!
Why the obsession with sex and sexuality and the evolution through so many identities? Because sex has always been a core part of who I am. Our repressive culture has never stopped me from expressing myself, much to the entertainment and astonishment of my family, friends, and lovers. Even as a young Catholic, I knew my sexuality was a vital part of me. Sex has played a significant role in my life, shaping my relationships and my personal transformations in ways I am only now beginning to comprehend.
We are privileged to live in an age where many of us enjoy the freedom to define ourselves as we choose, and where sexual science has evolved to include a breadth of possibilities and considerations. Note that science need not classify anything for it to exist or be valid, but as a social scientist and ordained esoteric mystic, I find the study and exploration of behavior exceedingly useful for making sense of the human condition.
Bisexual seemed my only option when I realized, as a teenager, that I was attracted to boys and girls. Back in the 1980s, trans and expansive genders were not widely acknowledged—certainly not in my limited Judeo-Christian world. I was in my thirties when I realized that I had the option to define my own gender beyond the binary, which affected the categorization of my sexual orientation.
Lesbian and gay, for instance, require a binary gender association for both (or all, in the case of non-monogamy) parties in a relationship. When I reflected upon my dating experiences I realized that many of the people I was attracted to fell outside of the binary, as did I. Pansexuality offered expansive nomenclature for a complex set of intersecting identities.
Glossary
Here’s a quick glossary for anyone who I may have already lost with the aforementioned references. The super woke can skip this section. This is not a comprehensive list, merely a guide to the expanded sexual and relationship orientations mentioned herein.
Pansexual - Attracted to people of any gender
Sapiosexual - Attracted to people based on intellectual compatibility
Demisexual - Sexual attraction predicated on emotional attachment
Graysexual - A somewhat neutral subcategory of Asexualality (Non-attraction) whereby sexual attraction and sexual engagement are not primary, predictable, nor necessarily desirable
Solo-ENM - Short for solo-ethical non-monogamy, a non-monogamous lifestyle in which a person does not have a primary, or anchor partner
ENM - Acronym for Ethical Non-Monogamy, a lifestyle where one person enters into intimate relationships (sexual or non-sexual) with more than one person while upholding transparent, ethical values (as opposed to lying, cheating, and deception— which are considered unethical behaviors in some communities)
How to tell whether you might be émisexual or have émisexual tendencies
Sex feels like it is or should be sacred
You frequently have spiritual/mystical experiences during sex
You engage in the “O” method of manifestation
You are drawn to, or experienced with Tantric sex
Sex is less a physical act and more a divine ritual
You are in touch with your inner Goddess/Divinity
Sex feels more special, intimate, or spiritual for you than your friends or partners
You find it difficult to access your sexuality for casual encounters
You are repulsed by casual encounters and the idea of ‘meaningless’ sex
You prefer ritualized sex, ie. candles, role play, adornment, body worship, etc.
You enjoy talking about sex in a nonjudgmental, non-profane way
You don’t enjoy pornography or references to abuse of sexual power
Pornography feels like an exploitative misuse of sexual energy
You intentionally save or access sexual energy as power for your life’s pursuits
Your sex heals your partner(s) energetically, emotionally, and/or physically
You frequently advise others about sexuality, sexual health, or sexual relationships
You are uncomfortable with lying about your sex life, hiding your sexual preferences, or shrinking to fit sexual norms or expectations of others/society
Rise of the Divine Feminine
Sex is sacred whether we acknowledge it as such or not. Sexuality is often named, shamed, and undermined in oppressive religious traditions as a means of control and subjugation of women. The Divine Feminine, in particular, is a threat to the established, patriarchal order. Remember, Divine Feminine energy is available to all humans regardless of assigned gender at birth. Those who embrace this sacred energy are imbued with powers of strength, intuition, love, resilience, empathy, and so much more.
When women and femmes recall and reclaim our sexual power, we become an unstoppable force. This is why the patriarchy has worked so hard to make us hate our bodies, tame our sexuality, and force us into monogamy under the possession and control of men. Our capacity to create life (in the case of those among us with a uterus), our intuitive and healing abilities, and our innate connection to Mother Earth and the Divine, have long been the envy of a critical mass of certain small-minded, cis-het men. (Not all of you, chill out and keep doing the work!)
The worst offenders are the so-called ‘religious’ men who paved the way to this perverse status quo, and the ones who continue the fight to maintain control over our bodies. Notice that they want to control any body in which the Divine Feminine expresses itself, regardless of birthing ability or assigned gender at birth. Why are transgender women under attack? It’s the feminine power the mini-men fear. Divine Femmes are and always have been one of the great Wonders of the World, and it’s time for us to reclaim our collective birthright.
Humans have worshipped the Goddess of Love, Fertility Goddesses, and like for longer than we have denied Her. She will be subdued no longer. The Temple Sex Goddess, once revered as a sacred member of human societies, has been reduced to shame and ridicule. Sex work has always been real work and has never been removed from culture—only shamed into the darkest corners where men can take what they want in secret. Modern culture has denigrated the Divine Feminine to deny us our power and our role in creation, evolution of our species, and protection of our sanctity and our world.
I came into my power immediately after I birthed my second child in my master bedroom with the assistance of a midwife and a doula. Spirit whispered, “Now, tell me what you cannot accomplish.” I felt invincible and that fire has never left my Being. Once you have birthed a human, especially with full sensation and full recollection of the event, not one person can reduce the vibrancy and veracity of your power…unless you choose to give it away. That self-same power was the rocket fuel I accessed to leave a violently abusive husband who tried to kill me. I knew I could leave because I incubated and pushed an impossibly large infant out of my sacred vessel and breastfed her into a healthy human. That was all the assurance I needed of my own strength.
Not everyone is destined for pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. But the over-medicalization and masculinization of childbirth has contributed to a loss of feminine power. How many of us had our birth experiences drugged, sliced, and ripped away from us?—often for the sake of profit. My ability to compare and contrast a hospital birth, a home birth, and a midwife assisted birthing center birth made it plain that birth is a radically empowering, sanctified experience when managed with grace and compassion.
Émisexuality is for me, a form of self-empowerment that begins with how I perceive and treat sex, sexuality, and the resulting creation of life. All of it is sacred. We deserve the right to treat it as such if we so choose. Even the right to choose whether to carry a resulting life to term is a personal empowerment. The minute birth is forced versus optional, power is stripped away from the person who conceived.
I trained as birth doula and am also a certified death doula who has conceived 10 pregnancies and carried three to term. I’ve had one abortion and 6 miscarriages, two of which went past the first trimester. Spirit led me to my death doula ministry and I did not understand why. I have no fascination with nor meaningful relationship to death. I do not fear death, but unlike people who love cemeteries, dark magic, and collect dead bugs—I do not desire proximity to the inevitable physical demise of any Being. Nonetheless, I have learned that when Spirit moves me, it’s best to heed the call.
On the very last day of my certification process Spirit whispered, “You are doing this to minister to people who lose pregnancies and children.” In that moment the call made sense. I now offer the following experience to clients in my death doula practice:
I have 7 children on my spirit team who chose to incarnate not as humans with bodies, but as souls who experienced partial gestation so they could immediately join my spirit team. If you believe that any part of our Being chooses when, where, and to whom we incarnate, then it stands to reason that some souls only want to experience the fetal stage so they can quickly become part of the community of spirits supporting your soul’s journey.
This perspective was shared with me many years after my final miscarriage and it completely changed the way I understand miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, SIDS, and infant/child loss. I offer a free meditation on Insight Timer to anyone who has lost a child or a pregnancy whether by choice or by nature. How you lose a pregnancy or child matters less than the impact it has on you. Such loss can be devastating and have far reaching implications whether we chose that path or not. Everyone who endures this rite of passage deserves compassion and love.
Thank you for allowing me to share my perspective on émisexuality and the various ways being spiritually oriented has shaped the way I live, love, and offer healing to myself and others. I am no longer religiously affiliated, though I was once an ordained elder in the Presbyterian church. Before that I was a staunch Roman Catholic per my upbringing. I’ve worshipped with Baptists, Methodists, Quakers and countless other religious communities and have come to the conclusion that a Golden Thread of Truth connects all of life, including faith.
So I have woven together a bespoke fabric of spirituality that includes aspects of the Christ Consciousness, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Paganism, Tantra, Ancestor Veneration, Indigenous American and African traditions, and an abiding reverence for spirituality itself. As a death doula, I feel a responsibility to speak the language of spirituality that brings comfort to each person to whom I minister, without judgement. Death does not discriminate by faith. Death comes for us all.
I am of the mind that the human spirit is endowed with a direct connection to the Divine, including the Divine Masculine. We do not need a teacher, leader, Savior, Shaman, Guru, or preacher to guide us—at least not long term. Such people can be helpful in getting us unstuck or sparking inspiration, but the journey is ours alone. We need only seek the Light and enter into the stillness of our own hearts. I have had a lay liberation ministry for decades, (obvious if you’ve read my books or heard me speak) but I’ve kept my spiritual approach less overt until lately.
I have always been spiritually inclined, and I experienced a profound awakening in late 2017, around the time I started my daily meditation practice. Before 2017, I was inclined toward prayer and thanks-giving exclusively. I subsequently became a certified meditation teacher because of the profound impact intentional stillness had on my life. Many thanks to my business mentor for assigning me 30 minute of meditation a day for 10 days when I was at the end of my rope. I haven’t been the same since. I was beyond annoyed that meditation was his advice for my business problems. I am now eternally grateful for his wisdom.
You, too, might learn more truth about yourself and the world from 30 minutes of daily silent meditation than you ever have within the four walls of any denominational institution. You were built for Divine connection. Trust it. Get quiet and listen to your intuition. Connect with your Higher Self and befriend likeminded seekers for fellowship along the way.
To those of you who have journeyed with me for years, bearing witness to my myriad evolutions— thank you for your ongoing support. Your encouragement of my authenticity has been inspiring. The more I unfold and share of myself, the greater the connections I feel and build with each of you. I am honored to be ordained in the Universal Life Church where my personal exploration and spiritual expansion is encouraged and nurtured. My answer to Spirit is and always has been a resounding “Yes!"
I plan to speak and write more about Sacred Sexuality and the rise of the Divine Feminine. I will continue writing and speaking about social justice and our collective liberation. If you haven’t already, please subscribe for more and consider supporting my expanding ministry by upgrading to a paid subscription.
Towards Equanimity and Justice,
(The Reverend) Dr. Jana
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This was just beautiful and resonated on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 💓
I feel seen, finally.